Chronic Illness and Dreams

Chronic Illness and Dreams
Chronic Illness and Dreams

The dreams I am speaking of here aren’t those that we get when sleeping. Although, I do miss remembering my dreams… Nowadays when I sleep, I don’t dream…or I don’t remember anything if I do dream… I don’t know. One of the two. I digress. The dreams I am speaking of are life dreams. Things we hope to or plan to achieve in our lifetime.

My dream has always been to practice public health locally and internationally. As so, I struggled through school to achieve the qualifications that would boost my aspirations. Last year in December I completed my Master in Public health, and I had so many plans for this year. Contrary to my expectations, I have not been able to work, and I have had to re-evaluate my priorities further. I always knew that being chronically ill, working would not be easy, but with my health having taken a nose dive since January, I have realized that working in an eight to five job is almost impossible!

This realization has crushed my spirit. The three years during which I was doing my masters were rough. I had to carry my laptop to hospital during admissions and through surgeries. I kept telling myself that if I just push through the pain there will be a prize at the end, which would the ability to practice public health in bigger projects. So, when January began with me bedridden, I realized how unpredictable my life is because of this disease. I can’t plan even a day ahead because I never know how I will feel the next day.

I have been struggling with depression this whole month. But it has forced me to face reality and accept that I have to prioritize my energy for things that absolutely matter. I read a piece from “The Mighty” and the writer was speaking about acceptance and how we end up hating ourselves because of what the disease steals from us. How we end up hating our sick self. Those words amplified in my mind and revealed to me feelings that I didn’t know I had. I have grown to see myself as a burden to those I love and love me. I see myself as something that takes away from my children things they would enjoy because their father must spend so much money just to keep me going. I see myself as worthless. All these feelings got me depressed, and I am still trying to deal with them. The problem with depression is that it has no logic. It doesn’t matter what the truth is, you still feel what your mind lets you believe.

Anyway, I will continue to work it out. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I will have to let go of my career dreams for now and pay attention to my health. But I hope to re-visit that page of my life 😊

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