Lately, I feel like I want to disappear. I’m tired of fighting. Feels like everything is fight. Even simple things like getting out of bed that would ordinarily be mindless are a fight. The fatigue is so bad that I feel like my heart will stop beating. Sometimes I think I want it to stop beating. Then it will all be over, and I can catch a break. A break from being strong. A break from fighting.
Then I look at my kids and I feel guilty for having these thoughts. I think, “my life is so full. I have beautiful healthy children and a loving husband. Not to mention a loving family. But why do I feel like this?” I don’t know. But I do feel it. So today I went on Youtube and watched CNN clip about Chester’s (Linkin park singer) suicide.
Then I remember Avicii’s suicide. And I wonder, “how would I do it?” and the thought of ‘how to do it’ gives me relief. I see a way out. Just as I’m fantasising about suicide, my elder daughter walks to me to ask for some juice. And the guilt is back. “Why am I so selfish?” I wonder… “Why would I want to put my children and family through such pain?” But I am still drowning… And it goes on and on! Sigh.
How do you recognise whether you have depression?
Common symptoms of depression include:
Depressed mood and/or loss of interest or pleasure in daily activities
Weight loss or weight gain
Sleep disturbances (sleeping too much or not able to sleep)
It may be hard to realise you have depression, especially because one is generally in low spirits when they suffer from chronic illness. This is due to the constant pain and discomforts that rob you of even the simplest joys in life, like sleeping and eating. If you identify with the above symptoms, please talk to your doctor about it, so that they may help you. There are also online support groups that have a community of people with chronic illness, which can reduce the loneliness that comes with chronic illness, for example, The Mighty https://themighty.com/topic/depression/ . If the depression has gone as far as suicidal thoughts, please look up suicide hotlines for your respective country and seek help. Life is worth fighting for.
After talking with my husband, I have decided to see a counsellor about how I’m feeling.