I had a long day today. Last night, I realised that I was having a reaction to one of the diabetes medications, which is categorised as a Sulfonylurea, a second generation of treatment since I am already on the first treatment without much improvement. I went to hospital this morning for my last dose of I.V antibiotics hoping to get another option of drugs to use. But I was afraid of trying a new drug as well. The thought of unexpected side effects after a whole month and a half of a flare-up and infections was simply exhausting. There was hope still. As luck would have it, I found out from the doctor that because of my allergy to the drug, I am out of choices and I might have to use insulin. Not exciting! Later, the hospital called me to let me know that there is one more drug I can try. Which means that I need to prepare myself for whichever side effects that I will have. Sigh.
In the evening, while preparing the children to shower, I lost my temper because I overheard my elder daughter telling the younger one, “repeat after me, Karen is better than me”. I completely lost it! Why would she be trying to give her small sister a complex? I was so angry I lashed out at her! A few minutes later I saw her crying and asked her what was wrong. She went on to explain to me that she feels like she’s not good enough and that is why she was telling her sister to say that, so that she would feel good about herself. Oh my. My heart was clouded with sadness. I had to sit and talk to her about valuing herself and not comparing herself to others. Especially not her sister. Because it breeds hate. I further implored her to simply love herself, and to know that to me she is perfect.
This recalled my greatest fear, that I might not live long enough to watch them grow into young women, and that I will not be there to guide them through the challenges of being a woman in this world full of so many pressures. It’s tough living everyday facing the very possible possibility of dying any day. Granted, everyone knows they will die. But when you are living with a chronic illness, you taste the reality of death every minute. Things could go wrong at any time and it could be your last day with your loved ones. I guess we must always hope, even though it is hard sometimes.