From previous posts, I have spoken about the constant depression that I have been fighting for the past three years. Well, this year, I finally sought help from a psychologist after giving up the individual fight. So far, I have had four sessions, which unfortunately, I had to press the pause button on while this COVID-19 pandemic lock-down is going on.
I think the sessions helped me a lot, most especially, to pinpoint the things that constantly haunt my mind. Having lived, and still living with chronic pain has a hopelessness that wears out the mind, body and soul, but apart from that, I realised that I struggle/ have been struggling with self-acceptance. This places me in a situation where I am constantly feeling guilty for the smallest things! For example, when I am feeling overwhelmed but I continue pushing myself to cater for my kids instead of taking some time off (even a few minutes alone) to rejuvenate myself, because if I do, I feel terribly guilty and it makes me feel like a selfish mother. This is just one example that I’m sure many mothers can relate to, but there are many other things in a normal day that make me spiral into a complete mental mess!
learnt to pull away for a few minutes every few hours and do something that I enjoy
by myself, which lately, has been reading whilst seated in the front yard,
watching my cats playing.
My pain levels have been lower than they have been in the last two years, which feels like a fantastic break! It is a new normal for me, and I am loving my days! My diabetes has also stabilised, and I have managed to get off daily oral Prednisone as well, which has gone a long way in stabilising my diabetes.
The sky is clearing, and I feel hopeful, cautiously hopeful 😊. Because with chronic diseases, a clear day can be overcast in no time. So, I always try to leave room for disappointment. For instance, my left eyeball has been aching everyday lately. My eye inflammation has been quiet for a long time, and the glaucoma has also been behaving, but I think something is about to happen. I have not been able to see my ophthalmologist because he is in Nairobi, which is under containment so no access. The last time I got treated in my town things got worse instead of better, and I ended up losing some of my peripheral vision. I almost lost my sight too. But luckily, I found a good ophthalmologist who managed to fix the situation fast enough. That is why I am hesitant to see just any ophthalmologist…One of the dilemmas of this covid-19 existence.
I hope you are keeping well despite the struggles and limitations that we are all facing currently, during this pandemic. After living indoors without outside access for many days, one can tend to feel low and without purpose. Don’t lose hope. Try to still do things that you can adjust to your space, that make you happy.